An idiot pimp commits suicide by elephant kidnapping.
[do action=”moment” emo=”Boring” title=”But first, a lecture on fictional geopolitics”/]
Just to plunge us in the thick of things, the movie opens with a… huge text infodump. We’re told that there’s a Middle Eastern country (I think?) called Katana, which is splitting into two parts, and they’re gonna hold peace talks in Bangkok. That’s all well and good, but I was promised the elephant guy? Where’s the elephant guy?
[do action=”moment” emo=”WTF” title=”Tony Jaa vs. 300 motorbikes”/]
The first big action set piece has Tony Jaa running away from a shitload of guys on motorbikes. There are some impressive stunts here, but the scene makes absolutely no damn sense. There’s literally an ARMY of guys, and all they can do is try and run down Tony Jaa on their mopeds. Of course, he dodges them all, so they end up flying into the buildings across the streets. Even when Tony Jaa jumps across the street, they’re still on his tail. THIS SCENE MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE.
[do action=”moment” emo=”Scary” title=”Did somebody just change the channel?”/]
We forget Tony Jaa exists for a moment to focus instead on some African American actor who traded his dignity for a bona fide pimp suit, and some sort of underground fighting ring where the fighters have numbered tattoos. In walks this intimidating six feet-tall Thai chick wearing super-high heels and an unflattering Leeloo outfit that shows off her love handles, and she still manages to kick the crap out of some French dude with a big mouth. I’m so confused by all this. Elephant… dude?
[do action=”moment” emo=”Badass” title=”Three-Punch Guy rules”/]
Finally a fight that makes sense! The movie has teased us with a mysterious martial artist who’s so badass he can kill a man with three punches, and when he shows up, the dude totally rocks. He doesn’t need a character introduction, either; his physical attitude spells a lot of his personality. He has this intimidating ability to just walk into punches without flinching. He’s cool.
[do action=”moment” emo=”Facepalm” title=”Who cast ESL teachers as Interpol agents?”/]
I’m used to white guys sucking in Asian movies (South Korean movies will do that to you), but wow, the guys playing Interpol agents are just godawful. It’s like some casting agency told a few ESL teachers to put on suits and show up on the day of shooting to rehearse their lines.
[do action=”moment” emo=”Puzzling” title=”So… WHY did they kidnap the elephant?”/]
I don’t understand what’s going on. Did they kidnap Tony Jaa’s elephant so he would come and rescue it, then fall into their hands and act as an unwilling assassin? Did they want him for their underground fighting ring? Or did they need the elephant to put a bomb on it? It’s like pimp dude didn’t think his clever plan through. Or more likely, the screenwriters were drunk on Thai rum.
[do action=”moment” emo=”Laughable” title=”Lightsaber feet”/]
Oh my GOD, now this is just embarrassing. Tony Jaa and Three-Punch Guy get their feet wet, and then go stand on a subway rail as they try and kick each other’s heads off. No, they don’t die electrocuted… See, instead they get LIGHTSABER FEET. Their feet make MOTHERFUCKING LIGHTSABER NOISES as they swing them around.
[do action=”moment” emo=”Meh” title=”Elephant high kick”/]
And for the finale, Tony Jaa uses his elephant’s tusks to propel himself into a mega high-kick that kicks the pimp dude right up in the air and detonates the bombs in his hands so he goes rocketing over a cliff. Ah well, I guess that’s a wrap.