Witness God’s attempt to hit the reset button.
[do action=”moment” emo=”Relief” title=”Bible crash course.”/]
Here’s what we need to know: a snake is responsible for convincing Adam and Eve to eat a heart-shaped apple and forcing mankind into madness. People then start killing each other mercilessly while trying to avoid stop-motion rock monsters territory. Nothing but the sweetest short version of the Bible out there.
[do action=”moment” emo=”Cool” title=”Introducing the rock monsters.”/]
The story is pretty bleh (Noah runing around Mad Max style with his family) until we’re treated to the origin of this movie’s true stars: the aforementioned wicked rock monsters. Apparently, God cast out some angels back on Earth after a huge disagreement. These glowing beings were lucky enough to get some mud and rocks stuck on them, so that their design scared the human race. This, in turn, started a war, of course. Poor things.
[do action=”moment” emo=”WTF” title=”Noah gets people to work for him.”/]
God is lobbying hard for a natural disaster that would wipe us from the face of the Earth. Noah hears His plea, and accepts a strange mission: build an ark for the exclusive use of the animal kingdom. A long-haired Anthony Hopkins lends him Jack’s magical beans and convinces the rock monsters to do all the work for him. While Noah does nothing. Seriously, he’s like God’s almighty contractor, yelling orders to the rockies. I’m rooting for an uprising!
[do action=”moment” emo=”Predictable” title=”People start doubting Noah.”/]
Introducing Tubal-cain, a semi-villain who doesn’t approve of God’s plan to destroy the humans (duh). He is also some kind of Emperor who tries to turn one of Noah’s son into Darth Vader. Noah is all “whatever, man” and goes back to build his unreliable ark. So far, this movie is a standard, by-the-numbers blockbuster. Too bad…
[do action=”moment” emo=”Exciting” title=”All hell breaks loose!”/]
Finally: rain starts to fall and a giant battle ensues. Sad thing is, the special effects don’t follow through. It looks… cheap. I mean, even the flying cow from Twister looked more realistic than the whole animal kingdom Noah brought along for the ride. For a movie that’s trying to pass as a disaster movie, the disaster part is pretty unfulfilling.
[do action=”moment” emo=”Facepalm” title=”The action stops just in time for the Noah family drama.”/]
Life on the ark gets hard, all of a sudden. I probably wasn’t the only viewer surprised at how much running time is invested in hardcore family drama. Noah wanting to kill his grandchildren in an effort to prevent the survival of the human race is especially hard to take, as this sudden psycho turn never gets entertaining enough to justify the extra running time.
[do action=”moment” emo=”Disappointing” title=”The water goes away just in time for the sequel.”/]
Is it me or is God setting us up to fail here? Rebuilding a civilization out of cousins isn’t the strongest foundation for a successful civilization. At least, one of Noah’s son goes woman-hunting. I’ll be waiting for Noah Jr.: The adventures of a sex-depraved boy.